Ah yes, another shooting. Which one? It doesn’t matter. At this point, any one will do. So far this year there have been more mass shootings than days passed, so, really, just pick one.
It’s a tragedy, so many lives cut short – for what? Crying mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, and distant cousins – another community is scarred. Let’s pray for the victims, so that their passage to heaven is unimpeded. But, maybe it’s time to pray for America that keeps falling prey to these gunmen. It’s time to pray especially hard because it seems that the Almighty didn’t hear us the last few times. This seems to keep happening.
But, maybe there is something we can do! But what? Why didn’t anyone say “Hey guys! Everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can't get us all!” What could have been possibly done to prevent such a massacre? Gun control? No, that’s stupid. We all know that it doesn’t work.
Take Australia, for example. What was the John Howard government thinking? Oh that’s right: they were Liberals. But, honestly, even if it did work, when that crap legislation went into effect there was only 7% gun ownership in Australia a country of a little more than 20 million people. Good luck taking guns away in America where about a third of our households are locked and loaded and we have more guns than people.
But let’s get back to the perils of gun control, should such an un-American thing ever transpire. All we need to do is have a quick glance at the recent events in France. Look at what happened there. Nobody had any guns and those terrorists killed hundreds! If only there had been a good guy with a gun, so many lives could have been saved. Because France isn’t free, like America is, the terrorists won. Now we’re bombing Syria. Because like Al Qaeda before them, we know exactly how to deal with these ISIS clowns with a military response: bomb them back to the Stoneage.
I’m getting off the point. There were mass shootings in America, and we need to do something about them. Bombing our own country is just so, what’s the word? … Well we wouldn’t want to do that; after all, we live here. Plus, most of the people who shoot folks up here aren't terrorists, they're mentally ill, and shouldn't have guns in the first place.
So, let’s get practical: we need to arm ourselves. We are, after all, a free country – except that the government wants to collect information about us and examine everything that we do so it can control us – so let’s take advantage of that freedom. It's the sane thing to do. Let's use that freedom to stand up to fear by packing heat.
The NRA has been wisely telling us to get guns and to learn how to use them for years, but I wasn’t really paying that much attention to that message. I was too busy being a sissy about guns. I didn’t want to live in a society where everyone was armed and everyone was a suspect. Looking back at it now, I think to myself: WHAT A WANKER, as the Brits would say. I’ve been living there for too long. I don’t know why I don't just leave. It's probably unsafe there: their cops don’t even have guns. It is a place that is just ripe for an attack.
Guns would make life smooth – well at least smoother – sailing. Security would respond to market forces making things like airport security checks redundant. And good riddance. I hate airport security checks. If everyone who flies had a gun, if and when a madman would get up in a plane, all the passengers and crew could all shoot him. But what happens if someone were to miss? Shut up, you pansies: you know what, if we followed what was actually being said we’d make sure that people not only had guns, but knew how to shoot them. Problem solved.
Moving on to school shootings. What’s the big deal? We haven’t had a kid get shot and killed in a school since November 20th, 2015. And that was ONE kid. There are over 50 million kids in school today. Plus, if people are so scared of school shootings, why aren’t the teachers armed? Can you imagine, as a kid, how awesome it would have been if Mrs. Williams, my kindergarten teacher, had a snub-nose .38 special tucked away in a holster as she read us Curious George books? I would have felt even safer.
Having worked as a teacher myself, I really felt like I missed out on the opportunity to have to suspect each and every one of the children that I taught of being a potential mass shooter. I really wish when that shoe went flying in my 1st grade classroom that I had a gun to deal with that attack and get that situation on lock down quick; I was really worried that the shoe incident could have escalated to gunplay. But all joking aside, given the pay, being armed and hypervigilant would have added spice to my easy and, frankly, boring, but well-paid, job.
But, but, BUT, schools are a place of learning, teachers shouldn’t be police analogs, you might hear old whiny liberal me say. (Are there any other kinds of liberals? Let’s be honest.) But that’s the old me. Now I want everyone armed. Let me be the first to take the GUN in Gundur and give it to you, friend.
Obviously we have a problem. We have more mass shootings than any other country on earth. We have a lot of gun violence in places like Chicago where there are too many bad guys with guns. So let’s make sure that we get all the good guys guns for Christmas this year. (Remember, though, that you should definitely not give any guns to any of these un-Americans who don’t celebrate it! That would be a mistake – you might inadvertently arm a terrorist!)
Did you know that from 1980 through 2008, 93 percent of black homicide victims were killed by other black people? Just like in airports, guns would be the ideal market solution here. If every black person were armed, who would dare shoot anybody in black communities? They’d get pummeled with a hailstorm of bullets and die. There would be so many bullets in them that their bodies would be ripped to shreds so finely that you could easily just sweep their remains into the gutter. Talk about deterrence.
Plus, it’s not like stopping guns would stop violence. What about people ramming folks with their car, people stabbing folks, and people using a garrotte to kill others? What about suicide bombers and car bombers? And, let’s not forget our greatest threat: the U.S. government! Less guns won’t stop any of them and, what's worse, less guns would likely aid and abet all of them in advancing their nefarious agendas.
For those of you who have forgotten, like me in my liberal haze of stupidity, here is the opening line to the U.S. Constitution, the document which underwrites our freedoms in this great country of ours: We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
We need to make sure we defend it, our personal sovereignty, and all of the freedom that America stands for. It’s time to strap up.